Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
