Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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