It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
