I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
