if you like me you must not know who I am
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
