Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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