dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
