theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
