I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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