just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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