Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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