I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
