tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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