My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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