Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
