it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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