i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
