No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
