i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
