He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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