I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Screwed.edu
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
