never play flip cup with pint glasses
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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