Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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