I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
