Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If that was your dad, he is hot
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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