The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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