Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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