turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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