life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
