I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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