I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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