they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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