Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
