I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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