I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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