So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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