Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
