hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
