And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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