And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
