I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
