i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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