You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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