Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
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