It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
