i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
