She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
