New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
