We named our party play list daddy issues
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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