conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize