Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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